April 6, 2002 § Leave a comment

I’m Suing My Parents (for having given birth to me)

I’m suing my parents. For giving birth to me. Plato pretty much proved that we are spirits hanging around pre-natally, just waiting to be conceived after you’re assigned a form. You can read all about it in the last few pages of The Republic. It’s all there

You’re shuffled like a bunch of cheap tourists to the plains of the River Lethe, that’s The River of Forgetting, and you’re supposed to bend down take a few big gulps. The water of the Lethe wipes out your pre-natal memory, puts you to sleep and then, accompanied by thunder and lighting, you are born into your earthly life. It’s all there in The Republic.

I distinctly recall my pre-natal spirit; I was up there looking down, the floor was a glass-bottomed like some boats, and you could see what was happening on earth – not that you wanted to. I my case I saw it all. I saw my parents fucking and I knew I would be going. I shouted at them to stop. Stop! My dad was drunk and I screamed and became thinner and thinner like a plastic straw. I disappeared and found myself standing on the banks of the Lethe with a bunch of other straw-like wisps, naked, standing, waiting.

Then a beautiful woman – that was the Goddess Clotho – came up and said “hold hands everybody” and lead us into the river. About midway into the stream she told us all to dip a hand in and take a mouthful and drink. She was so beautiful that you couldn’t help doing what she asked but I was still so pissed at my parents I kept the water in my mouth and then spit it out before we stepped back up the riverbank.

So I remember everything perfectly. And I’m going to sue. There was no fucking way I wanted to come down here. It was so cool up there. It was like Liberace’s penthouse. Lots of pillows and sequins on everything. Lots of mirrors, lots of glitter. It was fucking great.

My lawyer says I have a pretty good case. Plato is one of the cornerstones of Western rationality, not to mention our legal system.

I’m gonna sue my parents. Damn right.

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